LONE WOLF MCQUADE (1983)
Director: Steve Carver
Starring: Chuck Norris, David Carradine, and some thugs.
Body Count: -
Reloads: 5 tops
Explosions: -
Lone Wolf McQuade is tale of J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris) and his relentless struggle to bring all around bad-dude Rawley Wilkes (David Carradine) to justice. This is the first movie to feature Chuck Norris as a lone-gun Texas Ranger, and would ultimately be the inspiration for the powerfully written "Walker, Texas Ranger" television series.

There are no boring parts in this movie. None. And whats more, it has everything you could ever want from an action flick; midgets, minority sidekicks, beer, brawling, and a pet wolf. The arsenal is also impressive, going so far as even a crossbow fatality (made of course by the plucky minority sidekick).

If you haven't finished puberty, this movie will help push you over the edge. Watch as a seemingly defeated Chuck Norris, using only beer, rewrites the definition of what it means to be a man.

Observe:

The film is great, but mostly on accident. Therefore, I give it three out of five beards.